Teenager Issue

LEARNING TO LISTEN WITH YOUR "THIRD EAR"

There are always two parts to communication: content and process. Content refers to the words which are spoken, and ideas or feelings that are expressed. Process refers to that which is not said, or to that which is nonverbal--it's the hand gestures, the breathing, the posture and the facial expressions of your teen--it's reading that which is communicated "between the lines." Listen with your eyes as well as your ears; this is what refer to as listening with the third ear.

LEARNING TO LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND

Let your teen overcome his or her natural anxiety about sharing with you. Don't ask too many questions, especially questions that start with the word "why." Listen to understand your teen's feeling or viewpoint, and without ridiculing or refuting. Try not to plan your rebuttal, or your agenda for "setting him straight," while you listen. The teen may well need to be set straight--but not while you are trying to listen. If all a parent wants to do is set the teen straight, it will be most apparent--and an effective conclusion to your teen's willingness to talk with you. Remind yourself: all I am supposed to do right now is make sure that I understand what she is saying.

LEARNING TO CONFIRM YOUR UNDERSTANDING

While your teen talks, nod your head, utter an occasional "umm", or raise your eyebrow periodically. This lets your teen know that you are, indeed, listening. After a few sentences or paragraphs, interrupt and say, "Let me see if I understand what you're saying." Restate what you believe you have heard, and allow the teen to clarify if you have misunderstood something. Up to this point, do not agree or disagree. It is enough to let your teen know that you respect her enough to really listen carefully--carefully enough to really understand.

COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR TEEN--BASIC GUIDELINES

When is the "best time" to try to talk with my teen?

Generally, talking is going to be easier when it is your teen's idea. If necessary stop what you are doing and listen without distraction. Don't try to "listen" while doing something else. It is difficult to enthusiastically communicate against one's wishes. Timing is particularly important when the subject is touchy. Let your teen know that you want or expect to talk, but that you are willing to do so later if it facilitates communication.